My Final Final Fantasy??

Satan, put on your iceskates, because today, the impossible occurred.
I returned my copy of Final Fantasy XIII to Gamestop. *moment of silence*

I can't express my level of disappointment right now. *sniff* 2010 was slated to be my most epic gaming year - Mass Effect 2 certainly started it off with a bang. I expected it to only get better with the release of FFXIII. I've been waiting anxiously for this game for 4 years. Four agonizing years!!! My anticipation was magnified by Final Fantasy XII, which was as close to perfect as any game has ever been. The story, the graphics, the battle and leveling system of FFXII combined...'twas a gaming masterpiece, indeed.
Anyway, I drooled over every little niblet of info I could find regarding the latest addition to the series - the art, developer interviews, previews, and rumors. FFXIII was going to be more than just a game to me. It was going to be my life. It was going to save my life.
Fast forward to March 9, 2010. I have the game. I shower, put on my most comfy pajamas, make a pot of coffee, assemble my snacks, and insert my catheter. This was IT.
Of course, the visuals are stunning and I'm swooning. Unfortunately, the compliments end there. What followed is 20 hours of utter boredom. Let's examine in-depth:

1. Story

Okay, so Final Fantasy isn't exactly known for the clarity of it's plot. You're never 100% sure what the hell is going on at any given time. But you always get the gist. An epic conflict concerning the fate of the world binds a cast of colorful characters and swallows you into a riveting adventure, loaded with drama, humor, and romance. You care about the fate of these characters and the world they live in. With the arrival of FFXIII, however, the story (and the reason I should care) seemed impossibly out of reach from the very start. All that jive between Cocoon and Pulse was convoluted, and the names l'Cie, Fal'Cie, and Cie'ith make the corresponding concepts too silly to discuss. Everthing that happens bears a reverberating "WHY?!" - Why is this Pulse fal'Cie suddenly hostile? What is it trying to accomplish, and why does this godlike being need lowly humans from Cocoon to carry out its mission? Why do people go near the damn thing when they know it will turn them into l'Cie? Why am I already yawning? Why would I rather treat your mother's yeast infection than follow this story?*

2. Characters

The characters didn't make things better. I had no sympathy for Lightning and her nasty attitude; nor did I give a damn about Snow's arrogant aim to be the ultimate hero (and douchebag). Sazh was just a Lionel Richie/Eddie Murphy lovechild whose entire personality was clumsily wrapped up in the fact that he had...a damn afro...with a baby chocobo in it. Hope was a total pussy. Fang was the token racially-ambiguous vamp. Vanille was child predator eye-candy (though they say she's 19) with the worst dialogue ever and a constant sex moaning that got me uncomfortably hot and bothered.

3. Gameplay

I'm an old-skool RPGer. I like exploring an area, battling monsters and collecting items, knowing I'll eventually find respite in a quaint town or sprawling metropolis. I like trespassing in people's homes and hearing them say complete nonsense while I search for treasure or rest in their beds. I like item and weapon stores. I like sleeping in inns. I like doing miniquests and puzzles for locals.
I understand and appreciated the convenience of having all the shops available at save points, but FFXIII basically eliminated one of its staple RPG elements; It's like taking away the body shop in Midnight Club...or reading a Jet Magazine with no Jet Beauty. So all that's left is a constant jog forward...well, thank goodness you can only run in ONE freakin' direction! Seriously, I was a little insulted by the maps. It's as though the developers thought they could distract me with all the gloriously rendered landscapes (gorgeous as they are), and I wouldn't notice that I was basically running down an endless, narrow hallway.

4. Upgrade/Leveling System

Unfortunately, the upgrading and leveling systems are also very restrictive. Final Fantasy XII's license board system made me feel as though I was creating a very specialized team. I controlled everyone's strengths and weaknesses. I can't say the same for FFXIII's Crystarium. You earned points, then you put them in whichever node came next. Maybe you skipped a trivial stat boost in order to reach a skill more quickly, but beyond that it's still a straight line to the next level. It was useless graphical fluff. Don't get me wrong, I love looking at pretty sparkly things, but don't try to trick me into believing I have control over something I actually do not. Just tell me I've leveled up and reveal some fancy special effects-ridden list of my stat boosts. I had the same issue with the weapon upgrades. I had no real control over how my weapons powered up. It was a monotonous cycle of using organics to raise your bonus multiple, then using synthetics to raise EXP. Lather, rinse, repeat. Add in the fact that money and materials were so hard to come by, I was wary to upgrade often anyway. Everything felt like a chore, with effort outweighing the results.

5. Battle System

I actually quite enjoyed the paradigm system. For a long time, the battle system was the only thing that kept me playing FFXIII. Working to stagger your enemy as quickly as possible then unleashing all your power to defeat him was lots of fun for me. There was definitely room to be strategic and clever. You could also zone out and mash buttons through a fight. Fights were as involved as you wanted them to be. Although, once I got the hang of the new system, switching through my various paradigms became pretty mechanical very quickly. I would constantly doze off in the middle of a fight and wake up just in time to heal my characters back from critical health. In fact, that became the exciting element for me...napping during battles and returning from near death situations. To be fair, I found the boss battles interesting and engaging, but they didn't happen often enough for it to matter. Eidolon battles were entertaining enough until I realized I never had and never would summon one in battle. Then, they only filled me with frustration and resentment.

6. Pacing

Finally, the biggest nail in the coffin was the pacing of the game. I understand RPG (particularly Final Fantasy) tutorials can span hours, but the fact that I still hadn't reached the "real game" 20 hours in was absurd. In other words, it takes an entire day of non-stop playing to get to the point in which you are able to change your party and move in a direction other than forward or backward. Plus, I couldn't stand the constant party switching. Right when I felt as though I'd made an inch of progress with my party, suddenly I'm transported back in time with a different party, forced to recalibrate my paradigms and raise the same levels. It never felt like I was making real progress...just toggling back and forth between random parties. Plus, the game always defaulted to the most undesirable paradigms - "Fight this enemy mob with a Saboteur and a Sentinel! It will only take 5 hours! No good? How about a Medic and a Medic?"
I thought I was patient, but the boredom consumed me in the end.

My BF continued to play the game for a while, so I watched strictly to enjoy the beautiful cutscenes. After returning from an out-of-town trip, however, the BF had lost any remaining motivation to play. So today, I made a choice; Either keep the game and force myself to complete it (out of loyalty to the series I've loved my entire life), or return the disc while it still had a decent trade-in value. I dejectedly chose the latter. I had the BF remove the disc from the PS3, for I didn't have the strength to do it myself. We walked through the rain to Gamestop, where I traded FFXIII in for another game I've been eager to play - Star Ocean: The Last Hope International.

I don't have as extensive a history with Star Ocean, due to a love-hate relationship I have with real-time battle RPGs. Also, I've never been a big fan of anime style games. But so far, I'm IN LOVE with Star Ocean. I'm only a few hours in, and I've already completed a couple of missions with a full team....and there are towns! Stores! Beds to sleep in! Silly banter with NPCs! Complex character specialization! Professions and skills (like cooking...I love cooking in games)! A simple, solid storyline that works...and that I could easily explain to my mother!
Sure, I realize I've been especially critical of Final Fantasy XIII, but that's only because I love the series so immensely. And sure, Star Ocean isn't exactly perfect. For one thing, the voice acting is a master class in corny...both the English AND Japanese. I always prefer to play RPGs with the Japanese soundtrack, but this one was intolerable within minutes. Also, the main character's name is Edge Maverick. For real?
Anyway, I'm happy to have an epic RPG that satiates all my genre-specific needs. Star Ocean is visually amazing, with all its bright epilepsy-inducing colors and graphics. Exploration is vast and rewarding. The real-time battles are exciting and make me feel 100% in control. The game is just plain FUN!
Thank you, Star Ocean, for keeping my hope alive!

...But I'll keep you posted - I've learned not to judge a game until I'm 20 hours in...

*Don't bother answering any of these questions, rabid fanboys/girls (of which I used to be one). I no longer care.