Sorry, Sori...

What the hell? I'm sorry (not really), but I have to just say it -- Sori be WACK. I remember seeing her "b-boy" promo vid a while back, and I still didn't understand the hype. A couple of b-boy-like poses and gymnastics stunts a true b-boy doth not make. I'm not even fully convinced she can really dance.
Now, maybe I'm being extra harsh because some internet folks had the NERVE to compare her to the dancing mega FORCE that is Ciara. Seriously, get the fuck outta here.

Comparisons between these two stop at their fallopian tubes.

So, prior to her debut, I was already bracing myself for a banging dance track that I'd be powerless to resist regardless of the vocals. She's been touted as such a great dancer that the visual concept at least had to be great, right? Oh my sweet baby Jesus, NO. And I don't care about that teaser vid, because anybody can cut a rug in the dark in front of an epileptic camera:


I try to find a silver lining on any situation, but this "comeback" is a glob of dough with no yeast. Everything about it falls flat. The song is super weak - it's like the producers discovered GarageBand last week. "I know! Let's make U-Go-Girl, but not nearly as catchy!"
And her voice....her voice. Okay, I have a thing against tiny, tinny, chipmunk voices anyway, so I immediately knew this was a No-Sale for my discerning ears. It's difficult to describe, but it's definitely not a voice meant for song. It's the kind of squeak that would only be pleasurable in pornography.

Finally, for the hype surrounding her dancing, the choreo sure is elementary. But the most revealing moments are those between the planned dance steps, when she's just getting her groove on. That's when you can really tell if someone has the heat in their hips. From her performances, all she does is strut around and maybe gyrate a time or to until the next sequence begins. Also, any move she does execute looks a little clumsy, like her skeleton is melting (around 2:35, for example):


Is this really the same girl that did "Real Lips"?? It can't be! What a huge difference! I actually thought she was kind of interesting back then. The music and the concept suited her infinitely better. She was on a good track then - why jack her all up with this quasi-hip-hop-tough-girl image? Can you imagine how sharp she could have been if her "handlers" would have just updated and refined her image a bit as it was and gave her some better music? "Better music" is really the operative phrase there, since it wouldn't matter if she wore a dead puppy dress and peed on stage as long as her single was HOT.
Ahhhh, it's so frustrating! Seriously, is there some sort of annual artist quota at these companies? Is there a rush that prevents people from sitting down, writing a good song, and refusing to share until it's ready? Maybe it's like an episode of "24" - Synopsis: Jack Bauer must create a 15-member girl group and 1 hit song within the hour or else nerve gas will fill the local bunny refuge!
Who is forcing these people to put out artists when they aren't ready? Stop putting them on stage if the music is lame! Just stop!

But I digress. I'm not mad at Sori. I just think her reps screwed her over on this one. Maybe her follow-up track will be redeeming.

Please go back to 1:

To end things on a positive note, Sori is beautiful and flexible, which makes her one delicious backbend away from erasing "Hero" from everyone's memory!